This month both Will and I have learned a lot about the power of positive energy. For so many of us, including myself, it is a real challenge to stay positive when it is so easy to become negative, lose your focus, and dwell on “what went wrong” instead of what went right. And then once you lose it all and you have the tears falling down your face and the negative energy starts flowing out, then forget about it! There is no turning back! And yes it does feel good to vent but it doesn’t get you anywhere. It might make you feel better to have someone there listening to you being negative but it doesn’t change your outcomes and it doesn’t help your body heal and move on.
Well this month I had to learn that the hard way. For the first time ever I finally had a positive pregnancy test. The doctor told me to be “cautiously optimistic” because when they drew my blood, my HCG levels were really low. In fact it was an 8 when at 4 weeks it should be between 50-100. But nonetheless I was pregnant. So 4 whole days went by. 4 days of Will and I sharing this little secret that I was pregnant. I walked around very carefully, avoided taebo class, and Will rushing out to Lowe’s to get a move on finishing the painted ceiling in the “back room” that we all know is going to be a nusery. 2 days later my labs showed my HCG was a 9. Meaning that I was still pregnant but the pregnancy wasn’t progressing “naturally.” That meant either it could be an ectopic pregnancy or a pregnancy that “wasn’t meant to continue.” And then 2 more days later I got my period. I returned that day to the doctor and it was confirmed that the pregnancy was over. It was so early in the pregnancy (4 weeks) so no surgical intervention was needed. It was just over. That was it. It was and then it wasnt. I was pregnant. And then in a flash I wasn’t. Happiness was a right outside my window and then it blew right by. I never felt pregnant. I never felt any different at all. So do I grieve over something that barely was? Do I even bother telling our families that I was pregnant? Was this even a miscarriage or just one of those biochemical pregnancies?
My sister a long time ago gave me some sound advice. She said “send positive energy throughout your body and it can heal you quicker.” Did I get sad? of course. Did I cry for a bit? yes more like, I cried for a lot. But I focused my attention on good. The fact that I had a husband next to me the entire time holding my hand. A husband that would do anything for me to get a baby. My 2 little dogs and our cat who constantly find new ways to terrorize each other and make me laugh. My baby nephew who was born just 2 weeks ago that I will get to see over Thanksgiving and I can kiss on and love on as much as I want. These are the things I think about and it makes me smile. There are people down the road from us who have lost their homes. Or have no food to eat. Just this week there was a huge tsunami in Japan somewhere, a million people were displaced. When you see these things happening around you, it doesn’t seem right to send more negative energy into the world. There is already so much.
So I am looking to the future. I thought “happiness” was right there and then it was gone. But you know what, I already have my happiness with Will, my family and friends, my life. That pregnancy would of just been the icing on the cake. But its ok. There will be another chance. As long as I have Will, I will always have my happiness.
Here are some photos from a wedding we went to this weekend. That morning I went in for my blood test and found out the pregnancy was not continuing.
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